Hello again! Last week I wrote about the emotions that might be swirling around for both children and adults when death comes to call. Today, I thought it might be helpful to write a little about concrete things that you can do to make things a little easier on yourself and your children during a time when very little will be easy for any of you.
First, let me say yet again, that it’s okay to be honest about what’s going on. Don’t make things up or deny that they’re happening. That goes for the actual death and everybody’s reactions, including yours. You don’t have to pretend that things are okay when they’re not.
Is there anything the dying can do before they leave us to make their departure a little easier on their children? In some cases–when they have the time and the energy–I think so. I should probably mention that it really helps to have the legal stuff taken care of: advanced directives, guardianship issues, etc. I’m not going to go into that here, but it sure does help to have that locked down. On a more interpersonal level, I’ve seen the dying work very hard to write letters or cards to their children, perhaps to be opened on future birthdays or major milestones. We encourage children to “interview” their loved ones before they die, asking anything from what’s their favorite color to their favorite memory to what they are worried about as they face their death. It’s great if you can tape it. Doing something with handprints–paint, plaster–etc. I think is nice, too–really, any sort of joint project that you can keep will be treasured forever.
One thing that often seems to be overlooked is for the dying to say, out loud, that they don’t want to leave everyone. I heard a story recently from one of our nurses about a child (an adult child, actually), expressing anger that his mother died with a smile on her face. The nurse was so puzzled by this. Why would he be mad that his mom died happy? It didn’t seem so strange to me, though: he probably felt abandoned, wondering if she wanted to die and leave him alone. She may have been so tired of the pain and suffering that she was elated to be moving on, but there he was, still stuck on earth without her. That’s really not that uncommon a reaction of the bereaved. As such, if the dying can talk to their loved ones (regardless of their age) and assure them that they don’t want to leave them, that if they could keep fighting and be healthy they would, it might go a long way in consoling those that remain. (That isn’t to say that the dying should keep fighting, just that they aren’t looking forward to leaving everyone behind.)
Should you take your children to see the sick and dying? What about taking them to funerals? Well, it depends on the kid and the situation. You should never force a child to do either. You don’t want to expose them to something that terrifies them–death should be sad, but not scary. If they are willing to go, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. It can help demystify death and help them to say goodbye. You should be sure to explain in advance what they are going to see there. The fewer surprises the better. I went to several funerals as a child, and my own kids have attended some already. I think it helped me become comfortable with death, and hopefully my kids will be, too. Some children attend the actual death, which can also be nice –a lot of deaths are actually treated as celebrations. Personally, though, if there is any chance that it will be messy or difficult, I would say to keep the kids away.
One thing that always stumped me until very recently was how to explain cremation to a child. I am actually a fan of cremation, but could never bring myself to go into details with my kids. We have three urns on the bookcase–one for each deceased kitty–and I just told them that their bodies turned to” dirt”. I didn’t tell them that someone put Lucy, Elle, and Spencer into a fiery furnace and burned them until all that was left was ashes. Luckily, they never really asked how our cats turned into “dirt” (another example of the wisdom of not over explaining things). After researching, it, though, apparently you should say that the deceased’s body, which cannot feel any pain, is put in a room or machine that helped speed up the process of turning them into dirt. You’re supposed to avoid words like “burn” or “fire.” Here’s a resource on explaining cremation.
What should you say about the afterlife? Well, that, of course, depends on your beliefs. Maybe you have strong feelings about what happens, and assuming the children are your own, feel free to share them. I don’t personally have any beliefs about it–I’m not expecting anything, though am open to being pleasantly surprised if there is something there waiting for me when it’s my time. Not having anything celestial to share with children I talk with, including my own, I often focus on how the departed are still always with us in our hearts and minds, and as such live on forever. It’s not the same as when they were alive, of course, but in some ways they never really leave us. Lately, however, I’m starting to believe that there is some sort of more tangible reunion after, or at least during, death. Almost all of the dying people I interact with report seeing loved ones who have died before them. If you read the book Final Gifts I’m pretty sure you’ll believe me. (Actually, if you ever want to feel better about death, you should read that book. We read it in our hospice book group, and the general consensus was that dying could be amazing.) So, I now personally feel more comfortable in saying that we will all see each other again some day.
That being said, it’s really important to not talk about heaven or something similar in such glowing terms that young children try to get there on their own. While death can be a celebration, it’s important to be clear to kids that it’s still sad, and not something to be hoped for.
So, that concludes my own take on talking with kids about death. As I mentioned in my first post on this topic, there are some great resources out there to check out.
I’m going to take next week off as I’ll be out of town. I’m planning to next post on Monday, April 28th. Looking forward, I may be taking much of the summer off, too, as I need to study for a licensing exam. We’ll see how it goes, but if there was something you were hoping I’d write about that I haven’t gotten around to yet, let me know. I aim to please. And, as always, thanks for reading!