Children and Death, Part 2: When it’s not Hypothetical

Last week I wrote about talking with kids about death when you have an “unemotional opportunity,”  i.e., when nobody died, or seems likely to.  That, of course, is a nice position to be in.  But, inevitably, we will all find ourselves, at one point or another, having to deal with death in reality, as opposed to just as a possibility.  If that’s happening to you now, or is about to, I’m sorry.  It’s never easy.  I’m assuming that you’re an adult reading this–I don’t think I have a lot of young readers.  So, you are probably trying to figure out how to talk to a child while dealing with your own grief.  There are a lot of good resources out there on how to do this–there are some suggestions on last week’s post.  So, what follows is, again, just my own advice, based on my own thoughts and experiences.  This week I’ll focus on emotions: yours and theirs.  Next week, I’ll write about what to “do.”  Hopefully, you will find it to be helpful.

First, let’s assume that you, too, are sad.  Maybe you’re beyond sad.  Maybe you can barely hold yourself together.  Well, if you’re trying to take care of kids, I would suggest that you: A) Get as much help as you possibly can–don’t be afraid to ask!  It takes a village, you know.  B) Be honest with your kids.  You don’t have to pretend that you’re not sad.  You don’t have to act like everything is okay.  It’s not okay.  If you can, try not to have a complete meltdown in front of them.  Maybe do that in the bathroom with the door closed (if you’re ever able to actually close the door to the bathroom. I’m not sure ours even work that way).  Though, you know, if it happens, it happens.  But you can explain that you’re sad, and that you will cry from time to time, and that doesn’t mean that you are broken in any way.  They can cry, too, if they want to.  You don’t have to keep a stiff upper lip all of the time.

In general, being in touch with your emotions and not trying to hide them facilitates healing.  In fact, while it might be hard to see it now, grief can actually bring a family together.  Of course, it can also drive people apart.  It’s more likely to do that if people build up walls between themselves.  If you can reach out to each other in your grief–including your children–then you’re more likely to grow closer instead of further apart.

But, that being said, again, it’s important to reach out for help.  While you can come together in your pain, it’s often too much to expect another grieving loved one to support you, regardless of their age.  This often happens to parents after the death of a child.  They’re too bereft to hold each other up.  While it’s great if you can grieve together, look to others who are not so shaken by the loss to help you as well.  Friends, other family, professionals.  We have to be able to tend to ourselves, too, not just to others.  So, back to the original point:  if you are grieving, be honest about your grief with your children, but also enlist others to help you and them.  You can’t do it all.  And it’s good for your kids to know that it’s okay to ask for help.

Okay, so you can cry.  What, you may be asking, do you say in between the tears?  Well, again, honesty is a good policy.  Start by asking them what they know or think is going on.   Kids are usually aware if someone is sick, even if you’re trying to hide it.  If it is an illness, you can generally explain what’s going on, and take lots of time to answer their questions.  Again, it’s okay to say that you don’t know.  A lot of kids have misconceptions, such as cancer being contagious.  It’s a good idea to at least make sure that they’re not developing fears based on false information.   We have a nice workbook that we use at our hospice called “Changes” that goes over how the body changes during illness, and explores death in terms of change.  It allows for kids to explore their own situations, and emphasizes that that change is a part of life.

Ask them what they’re worried about.  Try to reassure them.  Emphasize that someone will always be there to take care of them.

Kids may be having all sorts of emotional reactions to what is going on, just as we all do.  A lot of times they may feel very guilty.  Kids may think that they did something to cause the death–kicking their brother, failing a spelling test, not washing their hands–who knows.  This is another reason why it’s really important to try to understand what they’re thinking about, so that you can reassure them that it’s not their fault.

They can also feel very angry, at anyone and everyone.  They may feel abandoned by the dying or the deceased.  I’ll talk a little more about this next week, but in general, try to be understanding, while at the same time still letting them know that there are still acceptable limits to their behaviors.  Kids like to feel like someone is in charge.  But don’t take it personally, or think that they’re insensitive.  Anger is a legitimate form of grief.

So, guilt, anger…sadness of course–all possible options.  But kids may sometimes seem indifferent, or even happy now and then.  When I talk to kids who are experiencing a loss, or about to, I always reassure them that there isn’t a certain way they are supposed to feel or act.  They will feel different things at different times, and whatever it is, it’s all okay.  If they’re not crying all of the time (or at all), or if they even laugh now and then, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t love the person who died.  Everyone–adults and children–experience grief in their own way at their own pace, and it should never be judged.  In my younger days I almost never cried, and certainly never did it in public.  When my brother and I spoke at our grandmother’s funeral, he cried so much that he couldn’t finish his speach.  I, however, was completely dry-eyed.  A family friend pulled me aside after the funeral and, nodding toward my brother, said, “You know, people like to see tears at funerals.” Yes, well, thanks for telling me.   I adored my grandmother, and I miss her every day, but the tears didn’t show up for about two months. So, you know, give your kids–and everyone else, including yourself– some space.  You will all grieve at your own pace.  Just try to be there for them when they need you.

So, those are a few of my thoughts on talking with kids when there has been a death: be honest, and be gentle, both on them and on yourself.  I’ll write more about what to “do” next week.  And, as always, thanks for reading.