Over the past few weeks I wrote about the loss of a beloved pet. As I mentioned in the first post on that topic, the loss of a pet is often a “gateway” loss for children: it can be their first encounter with death. Talking about death with children can cause a lot of anxiety for adults, and as such I think it warrants its own series. And so, with no further ado, let’s talk about…(drumroll, please) Talking with Children about Death!
This week I’m going to write about talking with children about death when you have an “unemotional opportunity,” i.e., when nobody has died, or is about to. The next post or two will be about talking about death when you actually are dealing with a loss.
Before I started working in hospice, my then three-year-old daughter became somewhat consumed with thoughts (and some worries) about death and the afterlife. I don’t happen to know what happens to us when we die, so like any good therapist, I tossed it back to her. What did she think happened when we died? It took her a few weeks, but eventually she decided that we eventually came back as new creatures –apparently, she believes in reincarnation. She put in a request that she and I A) die at the same time, B) be reborn at the same time, as humans, with me once again being her mommy, and C) that I make sure to give her her two favorite teddy bears. I told her that parents usually hope that their children outlive them, but other than that, it sounded great. I would love to be her Mommy again, and that, as with most things in life, I couldn’t promise anything, but that I would see what I could do.
She seemed very relieved by all of this, and her concerns about death and the afterlife dissipated. I think it went pretty well, all things considered, though if I had it to do over again, I would probably say a little more to reassure her, and break things down in a more concrete way.
So, what, then, should you say to a child who is asking you about death?
What follows is my own take on things, which is gleaned from various resources I’ve read and my own experiences. There are a lot of good sources of information on this topic. A nice summary can be found here. Most of my experience has been with younger children, so that’s what I focus on here. However, kids of all ages need help understanding and handling death, and how you talk about it obviously depends on the age of the child. Here’s a nice summary on the developmental stages of children as they relate to death.
So, anyway, here are a few general principles that I hold near and dear:
First, I think it’s good to have these conversations somewhat early and often. You don’t have to beat them over the head with it, but it’s nice to be able to talk about death when you’re not actually dealing with the death of someone you care about. Kids are aware of death—they hear about it in conversations, it happens all of the time in nature, and to most mothers in Disney and Shirley Temple movies. They will probably ask you about it, and that’s a good time to talk about it. If you act like it’s something they shouldn’t ask you about, then they will view it as something taboo and fearful. Talking about it without fear or anger will go a long way in helping them to see it as a natural process: a sad one, but not a scary one.
Second, be honest. Don’t try to gloss things over and use euphemisms. That can get very confusing for kids (especially young kids). NEVER SAY THAT THE DECEASED JUST “WENT TO SLEEP”!!! Every parent in the universe is hoping that their child will go to sleep tonight. You do NOT want to have them confuse death with sleep. It’s good to use concrete terms that are age-appropriate. With young kids, you can explain death in terms of things that stop happening: e.g., when people die, they stop breathing, they stop eating and growing, their heart stops, etc.
Third, just tell them as much as they are asking. You don’t need to go into lots of details. Sometimes, the question of “Where is dear departed Aunt Jane?” can be answered simply by saying she’s in the cemetery, under the ground.
Fourth, it’s okay to say that you don’t know. When it comes to the afterlife, if you have a religious belief you can share it. I personally think that it’s nice to say that different people believe different things, but that’s just me. Of course, the afterlife isn’t the only thing some of us haven’t quite nailed down yet. A big question that often comes up is: When am I/you/everybody else going to die? Hopefully, you don’t have the answer to those questions! The honest answer is usually “I don’t know” (though sometimes we know it will be soon.) What I tell my kids, who are 8 and 5, is that while everything dies eventually, it usually happens when we are very old AND very sick (making sure to distinguish between a little sick—which happens to all of us somewhat frequently– and VERY sick). Not always, but usually. And we can be very hopeful that we will live for a very long time. You can talk about how your family is careful to take good care of yourselves, and are doing what you can to live for a long, long time. Unless you have a specific reason to talk about this differently (i.e., someone young is dying or has died, or there has been an accident–stay tuned for next week), I don’t think you need to create worries where they don’t currently exist.
This leads us to my fifth suggestion. Depending on their age, kids are pretty self-centered. Young kids especially really want to know how all of this is going to affect them. I think it’s really important to emphasize that no matter what happens, there will always be someone there to take care of them. Be specific; tell them who that would be: Grandma, Cousin Bob, whoever it is.
Finally, try to be patient and understanding. Don’t freak out if you kid seems obsessed with death for no apparent reason. It’s natural (a lot of adults are obsessed with it, too), and if you don’t treat it as something that should be freaked out about, it will probably pass. Here’s a nice list of books for kids that might help.
Next week, I’ll talk about what to say when death is not just hypothetical. And, as always, thanks for reading.
Very timely. Thanks for continuing to post this helpful information.